can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
