i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can I color on your dick again?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
