You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
