he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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