Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
