So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
