you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
this is an emotional support booty call
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
