I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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