Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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