Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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