found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
