is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
