He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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