Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
