I hate your face
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
