Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
