I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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