My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
