Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
