and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
