I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
