I wish I could teleport
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
