i just sent this text using only my big toe
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
