i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
