cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
