I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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