Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
