wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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