it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
