Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
