I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
