Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
