The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
