i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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