I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The Olympian is in my bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
