I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
