Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
