I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
