guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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