Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize