He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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