im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
