kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
