I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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