I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
