I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
