textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
