It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
