Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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