I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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